The miserable part of my life

If there was one thing about me that I haven’t had an in-depth discussion in this blog, it’s my love life.

I know, I know. You might be thinking, “Oh, so this is what you meant by the miserable part of your life? Pssh. Please.” Just wait for a moment before walking away. At least hear me out…(or rather, read me out, though that just sounds wrong.)

There’s this guy that I liked for a while. And no, he’s not the “love of my life” that I keep mentioning in some posts here. In fact, that was no one, really, just a phrase I use sometimes. Anyway, like I said, I have liked this guy for a while now (translation: a couple of years or so) and I have never thought about telling him. For one thing, it wasn’t on my agenda and I believe that it’s not an obligation for me to tell him. Also, he’s a good friend. In retrospect, I probably valued our friendship more than anything. And let me tell you right now, it’s not those cliched, “I’d rather be friends than not have anything to do with you desu!” kind of thing.

desu

We were first friends before any of these feelings happened. But while I never had the intention of telling him, I was hoping (and assuming) that he liked me the same way. So I waited for something to show. It made my everyday life hell because my brain seemed to translate his every actions to “He likes you! *squeaal*” and I get frustrated every single time. Now, years later, we have chosen different college paths and have made new friends. We hardly see each other and while the little squealing crushing-on-him girl is still here inside me somewhere, her annoying high-pitched voice has died down significantly. (See, this is how you do it, E.L. James. Not the “inner goddess” thing.)

In the end, I realized now how much I could have saved myself from the irritating voice inside my head making me assume everything if I had made the move myself. But I was a calculating coward. I was afraid of the possibilities that was laid out before me and I couldn’t take a leap of faith.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the miserable part of my life. (roll credits)

I have always been a calculating person. I’m afraid to take risks. Heck, I play online poker but I immediately fold if I don’t have at least one letter. I disliked passive-aggressive people when I was one myself. And I hate that part of myself now. Sometimes, you have to take things into your own hands and be the first to move. And I could have done that in so many events in my life. So I want to change that bit little by little. I don’t want to keep on waiting anymore. Of course, I would probably still calculate whether I should move or not. But at the very least, I would now consider doing the first step rather than simply wait.

And I’m not only talking about love- or crush-related stuff here. Today, I’m going to do something the thirteen-year-old me never would have done and if it goes well, I’ll tell about it in this blog. Until then, allow me to give your mind something to think about: a stagnant body of water might offer a clear reflection but the water only goes one way: out of the basin and to the sun. Waiting does the same.

(N-not that waiting goes to the sun literally… I meant that the only way to get out of that stagnant place you’re in is to remove yourself from it. While, you know, free-flowing bodies of water moves forward. Get it? Okay, I’ll stop attempting to be some 14th century Chinese philosopher now.)

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